Masks

In this current season of life, if you asked me what my perfect day would entail, my answer might surprise you.  It wouldn't include a day at the spa, or getting my hair done, or even shopping with friends.  I do genuinely love all those things.  But... at this moment, in this season, I would actually choose to spend the day all by myself.  I would put on my pajamas. Sit in the cozy white chair in the corner of my bedroom, rest my feet on the ottoman, and snuggle up with a blanket.  I would place a tall stack of books next to me along with a journal and pen and I would read and write all day long.

I have a bit of an insatiable desire to read lately.  But only non-fiction books.  I'm sure at some point, I will get on a fiction kick.  But right now, I don't have much time to myself to read.  So when I do, I want to learn something amazing or be inspired.  I want to hear God speak to me through the words on the page.

This is my current stack.  It stares at me from my nightstand every day calling out to me. 




The book I put at the top of the stack when it arrived on my doorstep was Grace For the Good Girl by Emily Freeman.  I had the pleasure of meeting Emily and hearing her speak at the Influence Conference last month.  She blew me away.  But when I first read the title of her book, I didn't think it was for me.  Although I do consider myself a "good girl", i.e. I have always done "the right thing" my whole life and have a bit of a goody goody past.  However, I don't struggle with trying to be perfect all the time like many women do.  I have a thousand shortcomings and I usually don't have a problem telling people that.  And I don't perceive myself to be someone who gets stuck in people-pleasing or someone who struggles with knowing that God loves me.  So I hesitated buying this book.





But from the moment it arrived on my doorstep, I felt God telling me to pick it up with urgency.  And guess what?  Even the introduction and first chapter alone has wrecked me.  I was underlining and whispering "yes" to so many things as I read her words.

"My idea of who I should be is at war with who I am."

Oh shoot.  That's precisely and unequivocally me.  This book really is for me.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I hide behind a mask that desires for others to see me as smart, creative, fun, funny, happy, insightful, and inspiring.  But somedays, I simply don't feel that I am any of those things.  The vision I have of my ideal self doesn't measure up.  So I walk around trying to exude something that I just don't feel on the inside.  Am I actually a people-pleaser and just never knew it?  Am I actually terrified of what people think of me but have worn a mask so long that it has become part of my face?  Thinking about this has kept me up at night people.

But as Emily reminds me on page 19, "I forget that I've already been found."  He knows what I look like behind all my masks.  I've been seen and found and known by Jesus.  And while I think that I have been pursuing him too, most days I really just go through the motions.  Saying I trust him with my words, but still holding on for dear life to my desperate desire to keep life comfortable and happy.  And I want easy-access to that collection of masks that I wear for the world. 

Thankfully, I've been found.  The real me.  And God deeply loves the real me.

I'm so glad I picked up this book and look forward to working through the rest allowing God to work in my heart.  I am only on Chapter 2!

I'm linking up with Rachael and Blair today for #TheSamePage.  We are all reading this same book together!  Won't you join us?  And if you are reading or have already read this book, please leave a comment, I would love to know who else has been touched by it.